Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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