Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
