Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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