it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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