I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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