The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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