News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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