We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
