i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
