just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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