we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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