Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
