GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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