I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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