Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
