i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
