the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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