Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
