Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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