I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
