Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
