totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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