I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
