Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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