when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
