Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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