no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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