if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
