Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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