Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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