I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What drink are we having for lunch?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
