im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
