As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up under a house in Key West
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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