yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
