i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Randomize
