neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
