her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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