Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
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I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
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Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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