oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
