my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You took a bar mat shot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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