So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
