I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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