I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
