If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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