Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
