mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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