Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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