Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
