Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How drunk are you?