I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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