did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
