She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
