He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
