Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
