O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
