you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
