i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
