I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
