every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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