Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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