The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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