i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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